Monday, October 10, 2011

100th post spectacular?

First of all, I would like to give you all my sincere apologies. I didn't mean to hold this off for so long. I made all of these special plans for this post but honestly, I was scared to write. I was afraid that o wouldn't make my 100th post special enough, but in all reality, it's not that special. Most of all the other blogs I've ever seen has long over 100 posts. It's quite sad that in over a year and a half in only have 100 posts. I mean. I'm a teenager. I'm busy, but I couldn't make the time to write more. I only write when I have a rant, I'm bored, or depressed. I guess you can say I have writers block syndrome but it's not that I don't want to write, I just don't have enough to write about. I'm sure you don't want me to talk about Kevin all the time because I hate it when my friends talk about their significant other all the time and I'm sure you do too. I realize that I shouldn't keep putting my 100th post off. I was scared to write it, but I really need to get it over with. I've put it off for over two months now, and that's the longest I've gone without blogging. I did have a lot to say, I just couldn't because I wanted it all to be on different posts, and not on my 100th post. I shouldn't fear letting you all down. I mean, if you actually take the time to read all of the other posts I make, then you'll probably read this one even if it's not all that special. Man, I have so much to say.
Before I catch up with my fellow readers, I would like to give Noah credit for inspiring me to write. Yesterday i was looking around Facebook and I came across his page so I was reading his info and stuff, and on his info is probably the most amazing poem I have ever read in my entire life. It's really outstanding. I would like to put it on here so all of you can see how great it is, but I'd have to ask him permission first. But after I read his poem, it was so outstanding that I asked him if he wrote it and that it's incredible. After that we started to talk and I found out that he writes a lot but he's had writers block for a few months now. Of course that reminded me of myself for blogging. He told me that he really wants to write more but he can't seem to ink of anything to write about. That hit me that if he can write such amazing poems and then have writers block but have the hope to start again, I should have to hope to start blogging again. So thank you Noah for inspiring me to keep writing.
Here's a confession. In those two months of having writers block, I contemplated on making my 100th post my last. I started to think that people never reads it, and I never write anything good enough to read anyways. I started doubting all hope that maybe, if I write on here, somebody might actually pay attention to me and start hearing what I have to say. Let's face it. I'm a shy girl. I don't talk at school, I can't confront anybody. I have trouble expressing myself and I can't come across the realization that It won't hurt anything for me to just start talking to someone. Maybe it will help me make friends, but I just don't have the courage and confidence in me talk to somebody. So if I write on here and express myself through writing, I may have the chance that my words might affect somebody, anybody. I forgot how good I felt when I saw how many people are visiting my blog. I mean, if you look on the side of my page, there's a ticker and it shows how many people have visited my blog. I have over 1500 views. That may not seem like a lot to you, but it means a lot to me. It doesn't matter if 500 of those views are some of the same people over and over again. The point is that people are reading this. I hope to one day have more than that, but for right now, that's good. I've never spoken to over 1500 people in my life, but knowing that that many people has read my words, gives me a tingly feeling. So no. This isn't my last post. Instead of making this my post post, let's make it a new beginning. That's why I have changed the title of my blog on the address bar.
My blog used to be titled "thescreamoemo" for The Screamo Emo. But that's not who I am. That's who I wanted to be two years ago. Yeah, I listened to screamo. Now, most of it gives me a headache. Yeah, I had emo bangs for a year. They were a bad idea. But I never once felt emo. I've always been optimistic. I've always had the power to look around the big picture and analyze every piece of it. But I rarely feel 'emo'. And for the record, I've never cut myself. I know that's a stereotype, but I though I should mention that. But I changed the title. People change. I change. When I realize I've changed, I should change the name of it. Everybody changes. Nothing can stay the exact same forever. I changed my title to "1stepback6stepsforward" or one step back, six steps forward. There's a meaning behind everything. It basically means that the little bad things in life may pull me one step back, so it won't effect me much, but the big things in life, the things that really matter. Now that put me six steps forward. Don't worry about the little things. The big things are what really count in life. Don't let the little things effect you, because I'm not going to let them effect me. I'm going to keep moving forward. Sure, I'll keep changing, but I'll also find who I REALLY am by it.

So aside from all of the deep stuff, there's been other stuff going on also.
Like for instance, homecoming was on September 24th. It was really great. I don't have pictures right this moment because they're on Kevin's camera. I slept till 5 that day and I had to wake up and hurry to get ready.
I know my last post was before school started but I don't feel the need to tell you every boring detail of my school experience. It's going good, though.
I also have a job. My sister got me a Job her Mcdonalds since she's hiring manager. It's going really good. I've almost learned everyone's names and everyone's pretty nice to me. I've learned all of the man's jobs. I love grill and back wall. Back wall is where we make all of the chicken and fish and grill is where we make the burgers and bacon. It's simple, but you get burnt at least 500 times before the day is over. Not kidding. But I've also learned fries, hash browns, I can also make everything up front except ice cream cones. Damn cones.... I learned front counter too, but let's not even go there. That was the first time I've cried from work, so let's not talk about that. It's a fun job, it just makes my feet want to explode. You'd think it's easy since it's Mcdonalds, but it's not easy at all. But hey, I'll get used to it.
Home is going good too, seeing as I'm never home anymore. That's a good thing.
Me and Kevin's year and a half was last Friday on the 30th. That was nice. We just hung out, but spending time with him is great.
I had all of these plans on what I'd write in here, but I can't really think of anything right now. I wrote this huge thing on who I am, but when Kevin read it he cried, so I don't know what I did with it. I think I threw it away, but it was really good.
So I realized that no matter what I do right now, I'll regret it in the future. Like how I act, dress, say. I'll regret something.this back in time. You probably thought that hair style was a good idea. Nope. It wasn't. I know I think that all the time. When I was little I have straight across my forehead bangs and I always wore my hair in piggy tails. Bad idea. Middle school I have a middle part. Very bad Idea. I also always thought it looked attractive if I braided my whole head after getting out of the shower then letting them out in the morning and wear my hair looking like a poof ball. Bad idea. I also regret my emo bangs. I always got made fun of because of it. Bad idea. I regret wearing cat ears all the time last time even though I thought they were the cutest things and getting meowed at in the hall was a compliment. Nope. They were mocking me. Looking back at it, I couldve done without them. Bad idea. The clothes I used to wear. Bad idea. No matter what you do in your life, in the future, you'll look back at it and regret it. You're supposed to live with no regrets but your mind is changing all the time so what you think is cute now, may be a bad idea looking back at it in the future. It's also like smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. You may think it's cool now, but you'll regret it in the future. Probably when you get lung cancer. In freshmen year, I thought it was cool to fail my classes. Bad idea. I regret it and I'm still trying to make it all up now. I'm mostly caught up, but I regret it. I regret lying to my friends and family. I regret my entire seventh grade year. That probably my most biggest regret that will never go away. I regret all of the crushes I had in middle school. I regret being a tattle tail. I regret feeding my hamster a vanilla wafer. I regret telling my best friends new friend to stay away from her. I regret losing contact with all of my old friends. I regret not calling Alex over the summer when I should have. I regret playfully telling Kevin I hate him when he was tickling me over a year ago. I regret getting in a bike accident because I told my cousin im faster than him and I ended up with a sprained arm and a ganglion cyst. I regret most of the things I've told my parents. I regret not building a relationship with my parents and not being close to them now. I regret telling my best friend's sister a whore and now she hates me. I regret telling everyone she probably has aids because she's been with so many guys. I regret not doing my homework today. I regret deleting all the pictures from my camera. I regret eating in the living and spilling blazing hot oatmeal all over me from it. I regret being a cry baby. I regret buying a new ds and then not playing with it. I regret not cleaning my hamsters cage as much as they needed it. I regret not watching my weight.
The point is, is that you will regret things in your life no matter what you do to try and not regret nothing. I always try not to regret anything, but I still do. But don't go and make mistakes that you know you will regret. I know I will never regret being against drugs, smoking and drugs. I will never regret being a pacifist. I will never regret being atheist. I will never regret not cussing.
You can't live with no regret, but you can make good choices in life.

I don't really have anything else for you all. I don't think I made this post as long as I wanted, but hey, I finally finished my 100th post and I won't regret not giving up on blogging.

Until next time.