Sunday, June 27, 2010

My Updates.

Sorry, I've had writers block.

My life, right now, feels as if somebody pressed the slow motion button on it. I hate summer, With a fiery passion. Right now I'm grounded from Kevin. I won't say exactly why I am, but I'll be ungrounded in about 2 more weeks. I've been grounded all summer. My dad is being stupid. My sister takes me to see him in secret alot though so that's good. My summer sucks. My days are long. My sleeping is out of whack. I go to bed at 5 am and wake up at 2 pm. I don't like it but I talk to Kevin til 5 in the morning. I have absolutely nothing to do all day. I literally sit at the computer all day every day. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy. Plus we go out for McDonald's ice cream every other day. I swear I've gained like 10 pounds since school ended. On the bright side, I'm leaving for Orlando Florida on July 3rd and we won't be back until July 11th. On the downer side, It's during my birthday, on the 9th, and I won't be able to spend it with Kevin. On the bright side, my parents are gonna give me money in Florida so I can buy stuff for Kevin. On the downer side, My phone is out of minutes and they said they won't give me a phone card until next week. On the bright side, I took, my report card, scanned it onto the computer, and redid all my grades so that I won't be grounded all summer, and I'll retake the classes this year. On the downer side, I'm gonna be a sophomore.
Okay enough of that.
My friends confuse me.
Since I haven't had a phone card I haven't been texting them. But before I ran out of minutes I texted them all but nobody replied back. and I've been keeping in touch with Whitley. We've talked on the phone a couple times. Crystal and Michaela are ignoring me though. Amber's house has a bug problem right now and I can't go over there. But I will be going over there sometime. Like how my parents said that when we're getting a new house, which is sometime this summer, they said I can stay at Amber's house While the house gets put in here. Which I would stay with here for a week or so if her parents say I can. It's either that, or my gramma's house in Delhi.
On Wednesday I had to go to the doctor's. Turns out I have things wrong with me.
First of all, I already knew I had a cyst in my left wrist. It is a Ganglion Cyst that hurts extremely bad. It sometimes swells up and I can't move my wrist at all. Other times it's just a bump in my wrist and grosses people out when I have them touch it. The doctor told me that it will continue to bother me the rest of my life unless I get it surgically removing it.
Second, I get these things in my throat called Tonsilloliths, or Tonsil stones. They are White globs of bacteria that form in my Tonsil Crypts. They make my throat hurt and it makes it hard to breathe. They are really hard to get out too. The doctor said that the only way to make them stop coming is to get my tonsils surgically removed.
Third, I get these extremely painful pains in my sides. They get so bad that I can't even breathe. I get them alot, just about every other day. I get 3 or 4 at a time too. The doctor told me that those pains are from my Gall Bladder. She said that since my mom had to have hers taken out, and I'm getting the pains from them, I will have to get my Gall Bladder surgically removed when I'm older.
Fourth, I have some things wrong with my Aorta. I didn't tell the doctor about it because I've only told Kevin. So all the things wrong with that, may lead to me not being able to have children. Since I've only told Kevin, I'm not going to go into detail on here for everybody to read.
So I'm pretty much starting to hate the words "Surgically Remove". Also, While I was at the doctors on Wednesday, She said I needed my Gardisal shot. Of course I haven't had a shot since 1st grade. I thought I should probably get it over with, So I did. It was a long needle that went into my upper left arm. It didn't hurt too bad. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. To be honest, I kinda liked the pinch it gave me. The shot only took a second and it was done. But the nurse was stupid. She didn't know that I had to lay down for 10-15 minutes after I had the shot, so she let me get up and leave right away. While I was standing at the counter with my dad and Robin, Robin was staring at me. Then I started to Black out. I couldn't see anything. She asked if I was okay and then I started to fall, and the people caught me and guided me over to a chair. They sat me down, and gave me a cup of water. Then I couldn't hear anything either. They said I looked really pale. I couldn't see and I couldn't hear and I didn't talk cause I was freaking out. I felt kinda like Helen Keller for a minute. That happened for about 15 minutes. Then I was perfectly fine. Stupid nurse. The doctor yelled at her though. afterwards, we went to McDonald's and got ice cream. I have to get another shot in 2 months, and then another in 6. Then I won't get Cancer.

Well that's how my life is going right now. LAME.
Birthday is in 12 days. yay?
Well I gotta go paint a box. I'll blog whenever.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I hate life.

I'm sick of living in a family where I'm hated. I cry everyday. This is too much for me to handle.
I have a fear of getting yelled at. I get yelled and screamed at everyday for the stupidest shit. When I get yelled at I cry. My dad hates me. He hates my very existence. I'm not appreciated in this house. I'm not loved by my own family. They birthed me but they don't want me now.

I'm not a bad kid.
I'm almost 15. I don't do drugs. I'm not out smoking crap. I don't drink. I listen mostly. I'm still in school. I don't cut myself. I don't have sex. I'm not pregnant. I don't even cuss.
I'm not a bad kid, yet I'm hated.

I swear sometimes I just wanna stab a knife through my heart and get it over with.

Sometimes I think your the only one who loves me. You understand me. You wipe away my tears and you make me laugh when I'm crying. You always cheer me up. You know everything that I like and everything that I hate. You know what makes me angry and you know what turns me on. We never fight, nor argue. You know basically everything about me and you accept me exactly how I am. You even say I'm perfect.

That's not like how my family is. My dad calls me fat, and my mom calls me ugly. My dad keeps saying how I need to cut my hair and I need to go back on the diet. They keep wanting to change me. They hate my idea of not going to college and my dad keeps telling me I'm going whether I want to or not. They just don't accept me.

You do.
Thank you for always being there. Thank you for always cheering me up. Thank you for accepting how I am. Thank you for staying by my side. Thank you for loving me and always being my sweetheart. I love you so much with all my heart and all my soul and everything I am. You make me wish I was a better person. I wish I wouldn't cry so much. I wish I wouldn't put all my sadness on your shoulders. I don't want to be a burden to you. But I promise I'll never hurt you. I'm yours forever as long as you want me forever. You keep me sane. You keep my sanity down. You're the one person making me smile, making me want to continue living. You keep me away from suicidal thoughts.Thank you.

Kevin Anthony Dehner II.
Je t'aime.
Tsi ge yu i.
Ngo oiy ney a.
Ik hou van jou.
Jeg Elsker Dig.
Mina rakastan sinua.
Mahal kita.
Ich liebe dich.
Aloha Au Ia`oe.
Ohevet ot'cha.
Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae.
Taim i' ngra leat.
Saya cinta padamu.
Taim i' ngra leat.
Ti amo.
Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida.
Jeg elsker deg.
Iay ovlay ouyay.
Kocham Ciebie.
Eu te amo.
Te iubesc.
Ya tebya liubliu.
Te amo.
Jag alskar dig.
Seni Seviyorum.
Em ye^u anh.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Summer.

So far, As I can see it, This summer, Is going to suck.

I hate summer. Its hot. Its gross. Its boring. Its lame. Its fattening.

I've been through plenty of summers in my years.
This is my Daily Schedule: Sleep til noon, Get up, Get on the computer, Eat, Computer, Eat, Computer, Pee, Computer, Take Coby out, Let Kitty in, Computer, Music, Get the Mail, Eat, Computer, Pee, Sleep, Wake up, Eat, Computer, Shower, Bed.
It's boring. That happens EVERY DAY.
This summer, So far, I'm grounded from Kevin. Nobody is ever home. Kevin hangs out with his friends while I'm stuck at home. I'm supposed to go to The Beach Water park on Friday to hang out with my Stuckup Cousins. On Saturday I get to hang out with Kevin at the Zoo, Then I can't see him for the Summer. Next month I'm supposed to go to Orlando Florida from July 4-10. Through my freaking Birthday and I really don't wanna go. I have Band Camp in August, That's gonna suck.
That is literally all I'm doing this summer.

Summer day 1. I got up at noon. Went pee. I got on the computer, Ate Wafflecrisp, Cleaned the house a little, Listened to Music while I did the Dishes, Played on the computer, Took Coby out and let Kitty in, Got the mail, Talked to Kevin for 10 minutes until Cody got there, And now I'm back on the computer. I have done nothing interesting all day.
I miss school. I miss getting up at 6 and rushing to make my hair look good. I miss seeing Kevin in the morning, and shaking him violently to wake him up. I miss seeing my friends and hitting Aaron. I miss going to Braush's for Honors Geometry and sleeping through his class. I miss Seeing Kevin in between every class. I miss going to Rumsy's for English that I failed 1st trimester and learning the same stuff over again, and talking to some chick that I can't stand. I miss going to Kessler's for English I failed 2nd Trimester and learning that crap over again. I miss going to Lunch and seeing Kevin. I miss watching Kelsey and Alex's screwed up relationship and how they always fight at lunch while me and Kevin make out. I miss going to William's for Science and talking to Whitley and Justin the whole class, not knowing what William's was talking about. I miss doing projects with Whitley and Justin and me and Whitley do most of the project. I miss going to French and sleeping in her class everyday cause we would watch movies there everyday. I miss waking up to the bell at the end of the day and going outside and seeing Kevin. I miss making out with Kevin at the end of the day and getting yelled at by teachers to get on our buses. I miss getting on the bus late and having hell trying to find a seat and ending up sitting with some kid that I hate. But most of all, I miss being a Freshmen.

The last day of school was good. The night before, me and Kevin stayed up on the phone til like 2 in the morning. It was emotional cause I couldn't stop crying. We made promises to each other. I swear, I will never break a single promise I made. At school, I was hyper. I hugged all my friends and told them I loved them. I hung out with Kevin at lunch and I told him to bite me and hard as he could and he did. I have a bite mark on my neck now. I could've sworn I was going to cry. Kevin kept me smiling all day. Thank you.

Stupid Summer. Do me a favor, and disappear.

The End.

Sit back,
And watch your life flash,
Right before your eyes.

Why is it,
Time goes faster,
When I'm in your arms?
Why can't it stop,
Freeze right in place,
And let me live slowly?
Why can't,
We stay right like this,

My years are falling fast,
I'm getting older,
Even though I refuse to.
Is another day,
I live my life.
Is another day,
Closer to death.
Every breath I breathe,
Every step I walk,
One more closer to death.

To be honest,
I'm scared.
Scared to breathe.
Scared to live.
Because I know,
That each one,
Is another one,
Close to the end.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Freshmen Year.

With only 4 days of school left, I figured I should probably write about how my school year went.

When I first started High School, I was scared. I was scared about my very best friend switching schools and leaving me behind. I thought that I couldn't get by without her. Then when I started I made a few new friends. I still had some old friends: Maria, Bridget, Mariah, and Kelsey. I would eat lunch with them everyday. I liked this guy named Aaron since the beginning of 8th grade. I made some new friends: Crystal, Whitley, Michaela, and Aaron. I knew them before that but they then became my best friends. My other friends kind of drifted. Sometimes I would talk to Maria and Mariah every now and then. Then a little later, I met a boy. His name was Alexander Mikael Campbell. Its embarrassing to say but, I met him on an online game called Arcanists. We became friends and became a little close and I learned alot about him because we would play 5 million questions with each other. Then we started texting and stuff... And what do you know, on October 18th we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought it was the best thing ever. Alex and I were complete opposites. We thought it was a good thing. Me and him always fought and argued about stupid crap. He called me babe and I called him baby. His mom hated my guts. She hated how I lived in Ohio and he lived in Tennessee but we were together. I always got him in trouble by yelling at him mom alot. She also couldn't stand that I was Atheist. Alex and his family were pure Catholic. They went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. It sucked. Alex would always talk about god but then when I mentioned one little thing about Atheism he would always be all like "Whatever. I don't need you. I'm not texting you for a couple days" Sometimes he would be real sweet. Other times, not so much. Alex always talked about other girls. He always talked about this girl named Alexis. He knew I got jealous easily, and yet he would still talk about her. Alex knew how much I thought emo guys were hott. So me and Amber played a little trick on him... We made up a person. His name is Jake McCarthy. He is 16, has snake bites, and is completely in love with me. When me and Amber told him that, he got jealous for the first time. He literally freaked out. Plus every time I would go over to Amber's I would tell him how Jake is always there and we both sleep out in the living room. I stay up til about 4 in the morning texting Alex when I'm at Amber's house and I would tell him how me and Jake are playing Truth or Dare. Of course the whole Jake thing was just a joke. Then it got a little far. Amber has this wig that made it look like she had spiky pimped out emo hair. We put it on her, and drew snake bites on her with eye liner. Wow. She looked so realistic. I took and picture with my phone and sent it to him. Alex got ticked off. It was super funny. That's what he got for always making me jealous with talking about other girls. Anyways, Alex did do one good thing for me though. He knew that I thought emo guys were hott. One day we were talking and he had told me that he thinks girls with emo hair that goes over one of their eyes are really pretty. So when he got grounded for two weeks, I went out and got a hair change. I got emo bangs. It looked amazing on me. and I started wearing dark emo makeup and started straightening my hair everyday. That was a super big influence in my year. Everyone started treating me different. Guys started to actually check me out. I got asked out alot. More people talked to me. I felt alot more confidence in myself. Then there was the incident with Maria. I had known Maria since second grade. We were pretty close. Then she got this really mean boyfriend. I told her that I hated him and that he needs to go kill himself. Yeah, That ticked her off. long story short, She's a whore, He dumped her, And me and her aren't friends anymore. Maria and me went to homecoming that month and then I went and spent the night at her house. Homecoming was fun, except that I can't dance, and I didn't have a date. At this point, my best friends were Amber, Whitley, Crystal, Michaela and Alex. things with me and Alex were a Roller Coaster. Me and Whitley were best band buddies. Me and her had decorated our Clarinets together. They were tricked out Mo Fo's. We got cussed out alot by the upper classmen in the band though because they wanted everybody in the band to look the same. So they went and vandalized our Clarinets. I went home and re tricked mine out. They did it again. I re did it. They did it again. I re did it. Then at that point I was furious so I learned to just keep it in my locker now instead of in the band room with all the other instruments. Me and Whitley had our fights here and there but we would always make up. Then I started to realize that I still liked Aaron. I tried giving him up when I met Alex but I guess it didn't work. Aaron was one of my best friends who I hung out with at lunch everyday. Whitley finally talked me into breaking up with Alex to try and get with Aaron. That didn't last. i spent that whole day crying. Then I sent Alex this 3000 character message telling him how much he means to me and how I promise to never break his heart again and how I want him back. I got him back. I put his name back in my Clarinet too. Band season went great. It was super fun. And now this year I don't have to put up with the snobby Seniors who boss us around. Anyways, My grades were terrible. I started not to even care or try and I got in the habit of not doing any work. I began failing my classes and stuff. Then I stopped eating lunch at school. Me and Alex were still on that Roller Coaster. I felt like a whore because at school I would be all over Aaron, But when I got home I would be all over Alex. I made some more new friends at school in other grades and stuff. They weren't close friends but still friends. My grades were still slipping. Band was still fun even though then is was Concert Band and Pep Band. And I began to get really into French. A little bit after winter break I started Gauging my ears. I was at Amber's house and we had went to the mall. I bought A size 14 and a size 12 Gauges. Of course Alex had to cuss me out over them cause he hates gauges. It took me two hours to get the 14's in that night to start gauging. My ears hurt like hell for a good 3 days. Then 6 days later I put in the 12's. They didn't hurt... Until after I put them in. I kept them in for about 3 weeks then I bought my next sizes of 10 and 8. I had the 10's in for a day. It didn't hurt enough. So I put in the 8's. My sister's friend started giving me her gauges. She gave me a bunch of 6's, 4's and a pair of 2's. I put in a pair of 6's. Then a couple weeks with those in, I went to a hotel for my twin cousin's birthday. One of my cousin's dads found out about my gauges and told my dad that night. The next morning he flipped out on me and told me that i better get rid of them. So then, I would put them in at night, Keep them in at school, then I would take them out when i get home and do it all over again. Then a few weeks later I lost the back to my 6's. I then put in my 4's. FUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! That freakin hurt!!!!! They bleed constantly for a week. It was like having a period in my ear lobes. But then it eventually stopped bleeding. and it smelt bad XD lol. So then I broke up with Alex on our 5 month. I was sick and tired of dealing with him. And I tried to go after Aaron for a week or two. Yeah I just gave up. I stopped loving him. He would never love me back. Until then he told me he likes me but then it was too late. My friends were still amazing as always. Alex hated me, I hated him, We haven't spoken since. And I'm happy now(: My grades kept slipping.... And then I met him. I was on Facebook one day stalking people's profiles. Then I went onto this 10th
grader's profile. I thought he was cute. lol. Well one of his moods had his cell phone number in it.... So I then texted him and told him "It's not safe to put your number on facebook. Creepers might text you :P" and then we became friends. We played 5 billion questions with each other and I learned alot about him. Turns out he's like the guy version of me X] So we met up on Monday at school for the first time. Well.... That was awkward.... He didn't day anything at lunch and just stared at the floor.... Then when school ended it was like a whole different person. So outgoing and funny. Then we tried that again on Tuesday at lunch. He talked a little more(: I actually saw him smile. He has an amazing smile! But yeah. I really started to like him. Then that night he asked me to be his girlfriend. I made him ask me in person on Wednesday :P And I said yes. That was a great day. He's just the sweetest little thing. He's not little. He's like an inch taller than me (if that) but he is 16. He really amazes me. Then on Thursday is was the last day of school before spring break. The newspaper staff had this event at the school called the Lock In. Its a thing where you stay at the school from 9 pm to 6 am. That was really amazing. I had my very first kiss with Kevin at 5:04 am. I am completely head over heals, in love with Kevin Anthony Dehner II. 3.31.10 <3> better. I was extremely happy with him. He's always by my side making me laugh and smile. His kisses leave me breathless. Then my dad found out about my size 4 gauges that I had in and I had to take them out. Now they are in my secret hiding spot in my Gauges stash (I have alot) and I'll re gauge them eventually. Then I went over to his house during Spring break for the first time to meet his family. I met his mom, dad, uncle, grandma, and grandpa. They all love me(: They are extremely nice and they spoil Kevin cause he's an only child. lol. But then I went over to Kevin's house a couple more times and stuff. Now I'm going over there alot every week and spending all day with him at his house on Saturdays. We have fun(: I feel so comfortable around Kevin now. He truly is my best friend. We keep making plans for the future and stuff. It's great. Nobody can determine the future but its always good to plan ahead. Me and Kevin are so close now. It's been a little over 2 months and we have never fought or argued. I love the hickeys he gives me(: Especially the most recent one. He bit so hard into my neck that I started bleeding. Now it looks extremely painful but feels so good. Me and my best friends are drifting apart. Michaela now hates me, Whitley and I keep fighting, Mariah doesn't even talk, Aaron's just a whore, And me and Crystal are okay. I'd choose Kevin over them any day though. He makes me happy, They tick me off. He makes me smile, They make me cry. I hang out with him so much, I barely talk to them. The only close friend who is still really close to me is Amber. She's always been there for me. My Freshmen year has been extremely eventful for me. I've learned that you have to love and you have to lose. Friends aren't forever. Follow my heart. Go by my own rules. Confidence is key. Guys will come and go, But the true one will stay. Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Cutting yourself solves nothing. Gauges hurt extremely bad. Back talking to your parents gets you grounded. Be nice to your boyfriend's parents. Brush your teeth everyday. Straightening your hair damages it. Stuff in school spreads fast. Keep secrets hidden, Tell no one. Crying helps nothing. And to be true to myself. I will always remember my freshmen year. I had rough times, I had good times. I had friends, I had boyfriends. I loved and I lost.And I will be crying my eyes out the last day of school. I don't want school to end but I have to move on to be a Sophomore. Who knows, Maybe it'll be good. Maybe summer won't suck as bad as I think it will. Maybe my life will slowly get better. Maybe me and Michaela will make up. Maybe my friends will become close. Maybe me and Kevin will last a long time.

Maybe. Just maybe.

I just have to keep wishing at 11:11 every night.
I just have to keep wishing on every shooting star.
And I have to keep my head held high and my tears away.
I guess I have to get older. I guess I have to be a Sophomore. I guess I'll keep getting yelled at and punished. I guess I'll have to get my hair cut eventually. I guess I just have to enjoy myself.

I hope the best for all the incoming Freshmen. They have a road of hell coming to them.

I hope my world sheds some sunshine in my life soon.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Its complicated.

I haven't blogged in a while. Thought I should tell you how my life is going.

Well School Wise.
My school life is screwed up. I've failed 5 classes so far this entire year. English 1, English 2, Honors Geometry 1, Social Studies 1, And Social Studies 2.
This Trimester I retook English 1 and English 2. I'm not behind on my math course because in 8th grade I took Algebra for 9th grade and got credits for it. But this Trimester, I'm failing Honors Geometry 2, and I'm pretty sure I'm failing Geophysical Science 2. My parents do not know about any of that. They keep telling me that if my grades start dropping I can kiss Kevin goodbye. Like hell if they think they're gonna control that. I'm not giving him up for the world. But they keep telling me that. They would also ground me from absolutely everything. It's not like I'm going to college so I don't need that good of grades. But I'm scared about the Summer when my report card comes in the mail. On the bright side, I passed French and Band with flying colors! XD
Anyways. My English teacher keeps calling my class Sophomore's now. Since the seniors are gone, Apparently we all get called by our upper grade level now. To be honest, I don't want to be a sophomore. Every time I'm reminded that I'm almost a Sophomore my eyes start watering. I'm terrified of being a Sophomore. Can't I just stay a Freshman Forever? Like that song, Seventeen Forever. I wanna stay a Freshman forever. I don't wanna get older. And to make it worse, I'm gonna be 15 on July 9th. And I keep telling my parents the only thing I want for my birthday is to spend it with Kevin. But apparently We're going to be in Florida then... Hopefully not.

My home life still sucks. I'm always getting yelled at and stuff. Not much else to say. Kevin hung out at my place for the first time on Sunday. Yeah, NEVER again. My parents wouldn't even let him sit near me. And we couldn't swim close to each other. Stupid parents. While his mom walks in on Kevin on top of me, making out, while I pull his hair, And she doesn't even care. He has cool parents. She even knows about the hickeys of him. And doesn't care. That's why we always hang out at his house.

My love life is so amazing right now. It's always been amazing. So last weekend I went to Kevin's house all day on Saturday. Then on Wednesday we went to the mall together then went to his house afterwards. Then on Friday we hung out on Walmart. On Saturday I went to his house all day. On Sunday he came over to my house all day. Then yesterday, Monday, Memorial day, I went over to his house all day. Saturday and Monday were absolutely amazing. Yesterday was pretty crazy.
My friend life is all screwed up. Okay so about a week ago I was talking crap about the color guard and now Michaela hates me. Today Whitley was talking crap about me and Kevin so I'm dropping her as a friend completely. I'm sick and tired of dealing with her mouth all the time. She tells me that all I talk about is Kevin. Which I do agree with that but she does the exact same thing with Becca. I'm sick and tired of hearing about her lesbian sex life with Becca. That's so much worse than what I talk about. Its disgusting. She disgusts me. She thinks she's the most amazing person out there and that nothing will happen to her. Forget her. I'm done with it. Crystal is still there and is still my friend but we never talk anymore. Aaron is just Aaron. He means nothing to me anymore. Amber is still my best girl friend. But I never see her. I want to see her all the time but we're always too busy. I'll probably spend a couple weeks at her house in the summer though. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her in 2 months. We text alot though. I would drop all my friends for Kevin but her. She's different than the rest. A true friendship is something to hold on to. Forget my other friends. Friends just add drama. Especially my friends at school. Well alot of my friends are just minor friends. And all of a sudden I'm friends with all of Kevin's friends. Its kinda scary, But they're nice. I have lots of friends. But I have 2 best friends. Kevin and Amber. Forget the rest. I got them by my side(:

Well I guess I'll blog some more when more drama gets added to my life. See you soon XD