Saturday, November 20, 2010

Guilty as Charged.

I was supposed to make this entry yesterday, when Kevin was at work but I ended up going out and not coming home til late, which then I passed out on my couch.
I'd like to take about guilt in this post. Guilt is something we've all gone through and we go through it a lot. I'm the type of person who can lie so much and feel nothing. I can break promises to people I don't care about much and don't feel crap. I'm sure there's that one person that everyone has that you just can't lie to. Mine just happens to be Kevin. No matter what, I can't tell him a lie. Of course if I do or say something to him I feel guilty as hell. Like this one time, it was only a month or so after we had first started going out. We were in his bed and then he started a tickle fight with me. He kept tickling me and I kept laughing. Well I accidentally told him I hate him. Like how they do in movies why the girl hits the guy's shoulder saying that she hates him but she's smiling when she says it. I didn't mean it and I kept apologizing for it the whole day. I tend to say stuff without thinking a lot. I still feel terrible about it seven months later. I hate guilt. He's the only person who's made me feel guilty. I like to get things off my chest right when it happens. There is one thing I'd like to get off my chest right now. About a month ago I made this little promise to Kevin. It's not a big or important promise at all. But i made it. About a week or so ago I broke that promise. I didn't mean to but I wasn't thinking. I never want to break promises to Kevin but it happened. Ever since then I feel so bad. I've cried about it. The guilt is eating my insides. It's killing me right now. You don't know how bad I feel. And Kevin still doesn't know about the broken promise. I get so sad thinking about it and I feel bad and I just haven't gotten around to telling him yet. A couple days ago he made a promise to me and we were talking about promises and then he told me about he never wants to break a promise to me. That's when I felt the worst. I wish I should've told him then. I just couldn't. It's not a big promise but somehow I feel like he'd be mad at me. I hope that after he reads this we can talk about it and I'll tell him. I guess you can say that this is my way of telling him, but without telling him. If that makes any sense. A promise is a promise and I should've kept it.

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